A few jokes to make your day !
 

What my naughty brother-in-law has sent me recently... :


Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


**********
(Probably only for married people)

Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the woman to stand, and embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."


**********
Magical Sandals...

This married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife is interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man...."How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied.... "Just try dem on mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming...

... "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON!!!!!!!"


**********

GENDER-BASED PRAYERS

> >THE WOMAN'S PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

> >THE MAN'S PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
Amen.

:lol:
i wil just write short joke
Couple is talking:
she: will U love me after marriage?
he: if Your husband will agree...

hmmmmmmmm
you hope that men will ever do their washing ?? I trully doubt it now:

http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/2010/washma1.jpg

kiwigirl no comments, i also have doubts now & i dont know if i should lough or smile, so i just keep silence

I believe you wanted to write something like above hahaha

kiwigirl, common, 'zachowac milczenie' = 'keep silence'
The truth is though, that the correct version is 'I keep quiet' I never heard anyone say 'I keep it in silnce' either.

I meant to keep the existance of that tag from the picture in silence... like - uannounced, in complete quietness - so no men ever find out hahaha

aaahhh, now I get it. Im such a dumbass today :)

Jelonek, that reminds me of the "Shawshank Redemption" film, have you seen it? there's this hilarious moment when the prisoners are filing books for the new library and one of them - a typical "redneck" - takes the book "The Count Of Monte Cristo" by Alexandre Dumas and reads the name of the author... just as it is spelled in English ;)

the dialogue continues when Andy corrects him and says the book is about a prison break. and another one of their fellow prisoners says in good faith: "then we should file it under Education, right?" :lol:

three wishes
 

> >>>A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

> >>>She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

> >>>The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

> >>>The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

> >>>Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

> >>>The woman said, "That's okay."

> >>>For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

> >>>The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

> >>>The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

> >>>So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

> >>>For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

> >>>The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.

> >>>And he will be ten times richer than you."

> >>>The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

> >>>So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

> >>>The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

> >>>Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

> >>>Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

> >>>Male readers: Please scroll down.






















[hide:11056d2cde]

> >>>The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..

> >>>Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

> >>>Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

> >>>PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! [/hide:11056d2cde]

i'm not male... just curious ;)

[ Dodano: Pią 26 Paź, 2007 12:06 ]
About the moral:

[hide:fd53a8af75]...Women are really dumb but think they're really smart...
The same actually applies to men. Let men think they are intelligent, they decide and enjoy the show ;) [/hide:fd53a8af75]

Bibster, but please admit that you also thought that [hide:747d9dfe9f] man got a hart attack ten times... stronger than the lady ? hihi [/hide:747d9dfe9f]

Ok...let me check.... :D
[hide:f1491de6e7] Wow, I guess I`m a real woman :P[/hide:f1491de6e7]

Aniutka, - you read till the end, haven't you ? hihi

[hide:8628ffc14c]indeed. but i have the best excuse: i'm blonde ;) [/hide:8628ffc14c]

Kiwi of course I did :D

Kolejny mail od tesciowej: ;)

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a descript_ion of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the
second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want
more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

There is some truth in this joke ;)

man died, he went to heaven, he met st Peter in front of the paradise gate, man is just looking around and he sees some clocks-meeters on walls.
-what is this?- he asked
-these r special meeters, u can see those r showing how many sins each person did- St. Peter replied.
Some of them moving slow, some of them faster...
-where is Mr. George W. Bush's meeter?-man asked
-Jesus is using this as a fan in his room :P

Re: A few jokes to make your day !
 

A female computer programmer was helping a professional male client set up his computer. On being asked what password he'd like to use, he thought he would play a little practical joke on her and said he'd use *penis*.

Without batting an eyelash, or appearing to be embarrassed, the woman typed in the password.

However, the computer told them that.......................... ..




PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

Re: A few jokes to make your day !
 

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda' bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda' bought a hat."

Re: A few jokes to make your day !
 

Two nuns are riding on their bikes across an old Italian town.
"Hmmm... Strange," says the first nun, "I've never come this way before..."
"Shhh!" the other nun is blushing, "it's the cobblestones."

:)

Three nuns are working in the office of a local priest.
The first nun says, "When I was looking for something in Father's office last week, and I saw a whole pile of porn magazines in the filing cabinet."
"So what did you do with them?" the other nuns ask.
"Of course, I threw them all out," she answers
The nuns nod their heads in agreement.

The second nun says, "When I was in Father's office looking for something, I accidentally found a box of condoms in his desk drawer."
"Wow! What did you do with them?" the nuns ask.
"I punched tiny little holes in them with a needle," she answers.

The third nun just fainted.

:)

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

OK, I hesitated a bit before posting it, I guess some people will find it funny if in right frame of mind :) Just DON'T WATCH IT AT WORK! - and don't forget your speakers :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qE_zUi5vWAQ

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

Heheh :D :D
Who hesitates .... :P

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

Exactly. That's the best part :D Imagine pulling that prank on your own mum ;)

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

That´s great hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

as Peanut (the one from Jeff Dunham's shows) would say: that was funny as hell ;)

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

What's the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows ... it's never been done.

What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo true :D

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

A Quality Engineer married an average girl. After 2 years of tough life with her, finally Engineer got angry and sent a note to father-in-law stating that 'YOUR PRODUCT HAS NOT MET MY REQUIREMENTS'. The smart father-in-law replies, 'WARRANTY EXPIRED. MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE'

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

Elections, elections :D

While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now, the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

lol :D

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

A video to make your day :)

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

change, true ;)

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

You know what - the bloody pound has gone up so much in the last month, that I am getting scared. I got used to my excessive lifestyle and now it's back to basics (Sainsbury's basics ;)). Do you know, that within one month the pound has gone up so much I am getting 150 pounds less from my parents than the previous month? Imagine someone cut your salary by 20% without any warning. Not to mention, that first time I met Welly 15 pounds would buy as ingredients for a decent meal and a bottle of nice wine, on Saturday I spent 25 pounds and the wine was 3 pounds.
Sorry for complaining, but I would be the guy looking at the shares graphs in that movie ;)

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

regardless of whether one goes for Obama or for McCain - this is one hell of a brilliant spot. especially if you remember the old Bud ads (there were like 4 or 5, as I recall).

I read somewhere that there's also an extra treat in this: the fact that the head of the company that distributes Budweiser is none other than... Cindy McCain ;) ironic, huh? ;)

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

Yeah, yeah, I totally know the origin of wassup :) Didn't know about Cindy McCain though - I presume this is his wife?

I just think I'm catching up with the whole credit crunch now - cos the pound is going up again and before it was going down at an equal rate to the prices going up. Suddenly I'm like, crap, this is really some deep shit ;) Anyway, that's a good thought for another topic ;)

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

yep :)

don't even get me started on the credits and money loss and all that...

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

Haha, I only woke up with the whole crisis and shit, apparently this stuff has been going on for over a year now - who would have thought ;)
But apparently Poland isn't that bad I hear. Though my parents are starting to shit themselves, especially that they were just bought by a stock-listed company. Don't have to mention how that is going, huh? :P

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

tell me about it... my uncle's lost 70% of his money in stock exchange. and we were in luck, we literally took the credit for our new flat in the last moment, when the conditions were pretty good - now most of the people that apply won't even get one...

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

My brother pulled out his shares last minute - after already loosing some money. I luckily never had any money to invest ;)
Mum is trying to convince me to buy a flat in Britain, since they are going to be on the rise soon, and the prices seem to be at its lowest, but for me it's such a massive decision I don't think I can quite do it. I don't know. Probably when I decide where to buy one it will be too late. Eh.

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol.
He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !".
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says:
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?

:D

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/go...ts_drawing.php

:D :D :D

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

I will try that with my bank next time :D

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

I nearly died laughing :D that bloke has a wicked sense of humour :D

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

:D :D :D What an imagination :). But the girl was really patient :P

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

Something from i've laughed with AJ so hard, till we both cried

http://www.engrish.com/

It's even more fun if you read comments of guy, who's posting pictures.

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

Sending back the spider :D :D :D

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

Odp: A few jokes to make your day !
 

hahahahahahahahaha

poor guy :P