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-   -   A few jokes to make your day ! (http://gromader.civ.pl/home4all/showthread.php?t=287)

kiwigirl 11-12-2006 14:23

A few jokes to make your day !
 
What my naughty brother-in-law has sent me recently... :


Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.



**********
(Probably only for married people)

Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the woman to stand, and embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."



**********
Magical Sandals...

This married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife is interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man...."How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied.... "Just try dem on mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming...

... "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON!!!!!!!"



**********

GENDER-BASED PRAYERS

> >THE WOMAN'S PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

> >THE MAN'S PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
Amen.

dorotea 19-01-2007 20:12

:lol:
i wil just write short joke
Couple is talking:
she: will U love me after marriage?
he: if Your husband will agree...

kiwigirl 30-01-2007 11:12

hmmmmmmmm
you hope that men will ever do their washing ?? I trully doubt it now:

http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/2010/washma1.jpg

dorotea 31-01-2007 21:46

kiwigirl no comments, i also have doubts now & i dont know if i should lough or smile, so i just keep silence

kiwigirl 01-02-2007 11:36

Cytat:

Napisał dorotea
so i just keep IT IN silence

I believe you wanted to write something like above hahaha

Jelonek 01-02-2007 11:41

kiwigirl, common, 'zachowac milczenie' = 'keep silence'
The truth is though, that the correct version is 'I keep quiet' I never heard anyone say 'I keep it in silnce' either.

kiwigirl 01-02-2007 11:50

I meant to keep the existance of that tag from the picture in silence... like - uannounced, in complete quietness - so no men ever find out hahaha

Jelonek 01-02-2007 12:40

aaahhh, now I get it. Im such a dumbass today :)

Magi 01-02-2007 14:01

Jelonek, that reminds me of the "Shawshank Redemption" film, have you seen it? there's this hilarious moment when the prisoners are filing books for the new library and one of them - a typical "redneck" - takes the book "The Count Of Monte Cristo" by Alexandre Dumas and reads the name of the author... just as it is spelled in English ;)

the dialogue continues when Andy corrects him and says the book is about a prison break. and another one of their fellow prisoners says in good faith: "then we should file it under Education, right?" :lol:

kiwigirl 26-10-2007 12:34

three wishes
 
> >>>A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

> >>>She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

> >>>The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

> >>>The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

> >>>Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

> >>>The woman said, "That's okay."

> >>>For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

> >>>The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

> >>>The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

> >>>So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

> >>>For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

> >>>The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.

> >>>And he will be ten times richer than you."

> >>>The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

> >>>So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

> >>>The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

> >>>Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

> >>>Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

> >>>Male readers: Please scroll down.






















[hide:11056d2cde]

> >>>The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..

> >>>Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

> >>>Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

> >>>PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! [/hide:11056d2cde]

Bibster 26-10-2007 13:04

i'm not male... just curious ;)

[ Dodano: Pią 26 Paź, 2007 12:06 ]
About the moral:

[hide:fd53a8af75]...Women are really dumb but think they're really smart...
The same actually applies to men. Let men think they are intelligent, they decide and enjoy the show ;) [/hide:fd53a8af75]

kiwigirl 26-10-2007 13:21

Bibster, but please admit that you also thought that [hide:747d9dfe9f] man got a hart attack ten times... stronger than the lady ? hihi [/hide:747d9dfe9f]

Aniutka 26-10-2007 16:39

Ok...let me check.... :D
[hide:f1491de6e7] Wow, I guess I`m a real woman :P[/hide:f1491de6e7]

kiwigirl 26-10-2007 17:10

Aniutka, - you read till the end, haven't you ? hihi

Bibster 26-10-2007 17:22

Cytat:

Napisał kiwigirl
[hide:8628ffc14c]man got a hart attack ten times... stronger than the lady ? [/hide:8628ffc14c]

[hide:8628ffc14c]indeed. but i have the best excuse: i'm blonde ;) [/hide:8628ffc14c]


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